then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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