dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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