you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
