in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
barbara walters just said penis...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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