Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
