Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
