I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
