I will die if light touches me.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
