I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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