I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
