I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I won the penis lottery.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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