I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
