im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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