omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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