I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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