this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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