Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
