He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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