zippers are such a cool invention
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
