im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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