when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
All the doctor said was why
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
