I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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