I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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