the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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