Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
