i wish starbucks made bloody marys
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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