What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
