I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
