I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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