My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There's always time for handjobs
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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