so explain again why im purple
no
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
