My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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