we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
