someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
