Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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