I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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