I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
