My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
