I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize