how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
