He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
