She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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