I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
