I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Will exercising make me less horny?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
