If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
