she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
