On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
