just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The feeling are messing with the penis
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
