Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
