You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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