mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
