I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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