Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
