i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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