Banned from zoo.
Again?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
