Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize